Meatzanara – Low Carb Pizza (Meatza) With Surf n Turf

The Meal

This is a fantastic alternative to the megalithic pizza industries who are supplying you with hyper-palatable yet never satisfying foodstuffs. This meagre average-plate-size meat-pizza will satisfy 2-3 hungry beasts, with negligble blood glucose or insulin response, and leave you feeling ready to take on an army.

The Ingredients

Base:

• 1lb/500g of mince meat (whatever)
• 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
• 1 egg
• Random herbs and spices

Toppings (ie, select your own damn stuff)

• 1 cup of grated mozzarella cheese
• Several slices of beef steak
• Several slices of pepperoni
• 150g of marinara mix
• 1 rasher of bacon
• 50g of sliced mushrooms
• 2 sliced chillis
• Half an onion, sliced
• Other random herbs and spices and shit

The Time

• Preparation: 1 glass of wine
• Cooking: 1-2 glasses of wine

The TL;DR

• Preheat oven to 230°C/450°F
• Moosh the meat and egg in a bowl (use your hands, pussy)
• Toss in herbs/spices/parmesan, moosh
• Spread meat mix upon a dish, slightly thicker at edges
• Chuck it in the oven
• Chop up the rest of the shit for 10-15 mins while base cooks
• Remove base, cover with tomato paste, then a layer of mozzarella
• Sprinkle/blanket with the rest of your ingredients
• Apply another (lighter) layer of mozzarella on top
• Return to oven for 20ish minutes, until golden brown
• Demolish that beast
• Feel awesome

The Panned By Critics Moment

Spread the mincemeat concoction throughout the pan, don’t be afraid to spread it thin through the middle and thick at the edges, it will shrink significantly in the next step.

Grass-fed Ribeye Steak

Classy as fuck.

Slice up some beautiful meat to put on your pizza. Go on, you deserve it, bitch.

Toppings

It doesn’t look that appetising on a bed of marble. Thankfully, we have not yet evolved to eat marble, so this is an irrelevant comment.

All Your Pizza Base Are Belong To Us

After 10-15 mins your pizza base should look like this (or better).

Feel free to drain the excess fat that will have accumulated in the pan as you will want the final base to be as dry as possible. It’s basically now just a giant burger patty.

A Real Man Loves His Pizza At Any Time Of The Month

Apply the tomato paste or whatever quite liberally, you want that thing to look like a freshly picked scab.

Render The Seafood

Deploy a layer of mozzarella cheese, then lovingly place your marinara mix upon the bed of Awesomeness.

Meat Blanket

Find as many different animals as possible to forge the next layer.

Praise Cheeses!

A final layer of mozzarella and some random herbs should just about do it, now chuck it in the oven.

Leftovers

This stuff will make a fantastic base to an omelette tomorrow morning.

Cooked

Words… Useless.

Sliced